I typically reference qualms of a superficial nature and avoid qualms of a ficial nature. In a language that I invented 4 years ago at a bar, ficial is a perfectly acceptable antonym for superficial. If you don’t believe this, remember the fact that you are reading a tumblog, on a Sunday night, by yourself. Your critique of my literary prowess is moot.
There are two things in the known cosmos that irk me beyond all reason: 6 minute eggs that have cooked for any duration over 6 minutes, up to and including 6 minutes 15 seconds, 7 minutes, 8 minutes, 7 minutes and 8 seconds, etc., and degradation of the popular social institutions that have, for the better part of the last 2000 years, separated us from den-dwelling woodland creatures.
I spent today seeking out a remedy for my floppy collar. I am not someone who often ventures out without a tie, but when I do I don’t like what I see. If you believe my priorities are out of line, and feel the need to reference starving children is Africa, I would like to point out that I have spent more time there than you have, and what you are doing here isn’t helping. So pack sand you self-obsessed, ill-informed moron.
Digression, reign it in.
We’re back. While I was dealing with my floppy collar through neodymium magnets and metal collar strips, I noticed that I had seen at least three women wearing components of standard wedding attire: a headdress here, a cheap gown there, ill-placed garters and a bouquet. I wasn’t overly sure what this was, until I realised that each woman was with some mental-zero of a mate and both rejections of life had number plates on their backs, similar to the type marathon runners would wear.
At this point, I realized what I was witnessing. Though I never got the specifics, this was one of those ‘do some stupid consumer-driven series of challenges and win your dream wedding’. You know what a dream wedding isn’t manufactured from? A bunch of lowest-bidder brands and second rate hotels trying to drum up business for wedding season. I hold very few things sacred, in fact there is almost nothing that I have a favorable opinion of, except marriage. You are taking what is supposed to be one of the most important days of your life and trivializing it by competing with a bunch of other low SES rednecks to have your wedding commercialized just so you don’t have to pay for it. At what point did the world devolve to the point where it was ok to turn an agreement of eternal love into a day-long advert for blenders, or venues or some other garbage. I’m not asking this as though this is new information, I am legitimately curious when everyone gave up.
This contest is everything that is wrong with the current generation. Not only have you decided that you need to plan a wedding you can’t afford, you need to cheapen it by having someone else pay for it through advertising. Did you consider having a smaller wedding, where your friends and family get to interact? No, friend, you probably didn’t because you were too concerned with how ‘sweet’ it would ‘be’ if you you could get Carrie Underwood’s brother’s girlfriend’s younger sister to sing ‘twerk it with me’ during your first dance.
This isn’t a game, nor is it a competition. People do this because they lack the ability to think for themselves and ask the only question that matters: does this make me happy? No one needs a three-tier wedding cake, no one needs a cliche, tired limousine decked out with ‘just married’ cans. ‘Just Married’ screams that its more important for the world to validate your having just been married than it is for you to be involved in the day and your own happiness. It’s like running around telling people you just had sex.
The good news is these people all eventually end up living in the suburbs, which is punishment enough. To the rest of you, who refuse to take this route and are committed to not being a walking cliche that is guaranteed to play the ‘chicken dance’ at your sub-par ceremony, I thank you.